I had high fever (106 degree). I saw him from distance, from my bed, my first bundle of joy. He was pink and small and cute like any other new born. But he became bundle of… Doctor informed me, he breathed for a while and … I wanted to hold him in my hands, hug and kiss him once…a good bye kiss but was not allowed as my people around me felt, I wouldn’t be able to come out of it , as would be more attached after holding him…would hurt me more. I couldn’t insist for… as was mentally, physically, emotionally drained. But IÂ dreamt many times after that as if he is complaining that why his mom ignored him, insulted him…didn’t take him in her lap even once. This hurt me more and will hurt me life long.

My first pregnancy started on bad note, i.e. spotting. After that anyhow I managed to sustain it through medication/ hospitalization/ bed rest. Doctors diagnosed later some chromosomal disorder in him, but I didn’t want to loose him. I prayed to god, to give him fruits of my good karmas to him. God freed that little soul from pain and sufferings in few moments after his birth.

Whenever one ask my son (second baby) who is now of 4, whether he wants small sister or brother. His reply is always the same that he wants big brother. I just laugh and tell him that from where I can bring readymade brother for him, but my eyes shows pain of loss and guilt of not…. Whenever anybody asks me, how many kids I have, I want to say Two. I want to make his soul bit happy, if around, that yes, he still exists for me.

I am trying to express my experience not for sympathy but to convey the message. Small gestures like hug, kiss, a peck, holding a hand, eye to eye contact, can do wonders, can ease or can smoothen creases in our life. For that you need to listen your heart always. Just one hug with my little soul would have saved me from this life long guilt.

Happiness to…more happiness, being guilt free.

Comments of Facebook

Alpam Desai Bhatt likes this.

Tilak Sarkar arental love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. Death of every near one is inconsolable. How one deals with memories of loss till one’s own death is a story of endless internal struggles. Death and Life – both are going …to remain an abiding mystery. The inhalation comes in and goes out. One day it will not come in again. All the chess pieces must go back to the box. “A lamp has to underrgo every kind of burning till it is dawn.” Sadly, we will probably forerver grapple with death – of others we care for and our own.

Mandalika Bhattacharya: I still can’t get over my father’s death. Seems like I had so much to talk to him, so many questions to ask him and he just disappered. He was around for so many years but now it feels like he was here just for very few days.

Tilak Sarkar :@Mandalika: I understand the feeling. But take heart in the fact that no one can take away the good memories you have of him, the time he spent with you, the love he showered on you – silently or in words. And finally, I sincerely believe… the dweller in a body does not cease to exist after the body is gone. The noted author R.K. Narayan who was an agnostic in his early life could freely communicate with his deceased wife without assistance of any medium. He has written about his unique experience and realization in his autobiography. Your father must be somewhere, blessing you.

Mandalika Bhattacharya:To support your comment a quote from Gita. ” There has never been a time when you and I have not existed, nor will there be a time when we will cease to exist. As the same person inhabits the body through childhood, youth, and old age, so to…o at the time of death he attains another body. The wise are not deluded by these changes.”
Bhagavad Gita

Khushi Keswani: Where is my little soul…want to hug him once to be guiltfree ? May be ..a little child crying , looking for his mom.

Alpam Desai Bhatt: @ Khushi, its not your fault so come out of the guilt feeling and be at peace with yourself, the little soul will be more happy.

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